Thursday, November 19, 2009

Back from the dead...

I deeply apologize to anyone who began reading this blog and actual enjoyed it, started following it, and then came to realize that I don't update it very often. Why? Since you ask, I started this blog in Nice, France where I had no responsibilities other than 2-3 hours of rehearsal per day. I was a block from the beach, and I never had to cook a meal. Idealism reigned, and I needed a project. I chose to start of blog with a theme: “The Greatest Moment of my Life” where each day I was to deem one moment as the greatest moment of my life.

Now, this idealistic passion has given way to logistics: My busy life, my insatiable proclivities to distraction/randomness, and my absolutely horrendous typing “skills”. I think I am just trying to hard. Aiming to manufacture profundity almost always misses the mark. This certainly does not mean that I will stop trying... Always aiming to harness the creative nodes of the thinly spread multitasking jack of all trades that is me; that is my quest. I can't make everyone happy all of the time, and it no longer bothers me that this is the case.

So Stephanos, suck it. I may be the worst blogger ever, but I'm not going to stop trying.

It occurred to me that it is entirely possible, nay, likely, that a good majority of the people that I call and consider my friends don't really know me and my life. I am a habitual wall builder; trying in vain to separate the various elemental foundations of my life. I suppose this may be perceived as a safer way to live. But safe sucks, and I’m tired of it.

I was recently reminded by one of my hero's that I used to be fearless. That's a lie, really. I wasn't fearless, just ignorant to fear. Living without fear is only possible when you have nothing to be afraid of. And, for those who love, fear is inevitability. Like God, the wind, and love... its a tangible illusion whose presence is undeniable and unavoidable. But, fear cannot effect who you are until it effects what you do. The older I get, the more fear effects my decisions. And, I do miss that simpler, less aware version of me… but I don’t miss his hubris.

I am a tragically unfocused perfectionist. But, this is what drives me to be great. Yet, it makes me a narcissist. But, it also makes me really charming. However, not everyone thinks I am charming. As wrong as these people are, sometimes I wish they weren't. Hard work and uncommon talent are often confusing and temperamental bed fellows, and charm can easily serve as the catalyst for their disharmony. Whatever that means...

Anyway, thanks for reading my random thoughts. If you like them, that’s rad. If not, no worries. Stop reading. I will continue with my catharsis now.

BrenBoz, thanks for saying you read my blog. I might have stopped had you not. Seriously. Thanks.

The greatest moment of my life was at Josh Ottum's rock show when Brendan Bosworth told me he reads my blog.